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Students of Virginity

There was a time when not having sex consumed a very small part of Janie Fredell’s life, but that, of course, was back in Colorado Springs. It seemed to Fredell that almost no one had sex in Colorado Springs. Her hometown was extremely conservative, and as a good Catholic girl, she was annoyed by all the fundamentalist Christians who would get in her face and demand, as she put it to me recently, “You have to think all of these things that we think.” They seemed not to know that she thought many of those things already. At her public high school, everyone, “literally everyone,” wore chastity rings, Fredell recalled, but she thought the practice ridiculous. Why was it necessary, she wondered, to signify you’re not doing something that nobody is doing?

Katherine Wolkoff for The New York Times

Janie Fredell, an advocate of premarital abstinence, says that "virginity is extremely alluring."

   

 

 

And then Fredell arrived at Harvard. Sitting in a Cambridge restaurant not long ago, she told me that people back home called it “godless, liberal Harvard.” Some discouraged her from going, but Fredell went anyway, arriving in the fall of 2005. She wanted to study government, she said, maybe become a lawyer, and she knew that “people take you more seriously as a Harvard student.”

From the start, she told me, she was awed by the diversity of the place, by the intensity, by the constant buzz of ideas. There were so many different kinds of people at Harvard, most of them trying to change the world, and everyone trying to figure out what they thought of everyone else. “Harvard really puts pressure on you to define who you are,” Fredell said, and she loved everything about Harvard, except the sex.

Sex, as she put it, was not even “anything I’d ever thought about” when, as a freshman, she was educated in safe-sex practices. What she was told was the sort of thing found in a Harvard pamphlet called “Empowering You”: “put the condom on before the penis touches the vagina, mouth, or anus. . . . Use a new condom if you want to have sex again or if you want to have a different type of sex.”

Fredell began to understand she was in “a culture that says sex is totally O.K.” When a new boyfriend came to her, expressing desire, she managed to “stick to my guns,” she said, but there were “uncouth and socially inept” men, as she considered them, all around, and observing the rituals of her new classmates, Fredell couldn’t help being alarmed. “The hookup culture is so absolutely all-encompassing,” she said. “It’s shocking! It’s everywhere!”

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10 Husbands, still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

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REMEMBERING THE FIRST TIME

Bob is an old friend of mine. His 90th birthday is next month. He’s been an eyewitness to quite a century. The stock market crash of 1929, the resulting Great Depression, World War II, the Kennedy assassination, Vietnam and Watergate and the impeachment of Bill Clinton – these are the threads of his canvas. Bob loves politics. It’s why he gets out of bed every morning. It’s why he can’t fall asleep at night. He watches every news show. He studies every poll. He rereads the political commentary on the Op-Ed pages. He also loves sex.

 

At nearly 90-years-old, it’s the thing he misses most.  It’s not that Bob can’t have sex. It’s that his body, broken down from the toil of nine decades, is in a great deal of pain. To make up for that great loss, Bob tells his stories. Sex stories from the war. Sex stories during the McCarthy hearings. Sex stories of the Cuban Missile Crisis. While this country was on the verge of a nuclear attack, while the standoff just south of Miami escalated to near-catastrophe, Bob was in Miami, on business, following the dire news during the day and humping away at night. Sex during the Cuban Missile Crisis, according to Bob, was “quite a release.”

And the way Bob talks about that small window of time – he glows, he beams.  Color comes to his otherwise pale face.  Animation.

He doesn’t talk that way about losing his virginity. The year was 1936. Bob was 18-years-old, on a tour of Europe with his parents. In those days young adults went to Europe with their parents, not to get away from them. Traveling through Europe wasn’t viewed as a form of rebellion but, rather, a form of education.

In Paris, Bob’s father walked his son into a brothel. A madam greeted the two Americans. Bob’s father paid for a prostitute. This is what fathers did then. They extinguished their sons’ virginity when they thought the time was right. Losing your virginity has always been a rite of passage. In earlier decades, losing your virginity to a prostitute was the rite of passage.

In Bob’s memory, his father only paid for one prostitute.  Bob’s father wasn’t there for himself.

Against a wall, a group of women gathered.  Bob had a tough decision to make: Which one?  He asked his dad.  His dad shrugged.

Bob chose a woman. Today, he has little memory of her particulars. He does remember one big detail. “She didn’t speak English,” he says, “and mon français était mauvais.” My French was bad.

Bob does not remember the room of virginity lost. He does not remember the afternoon light, or the fancy bedspread, or the ticking of a grandfather clock. The little incidentals of history are lost. The reason is simple. “I was so nervous,” he says. “I think I just stood there, unable to move.”

     The prostitute coaxed him to the bed.  Bob remembers her exact words: “Sont vous une vierge?”  Are you a virgin?

Bob remembers his next words: “Moi?  No. Pourquoi demandez-vous?”  Me?  No.  Why do you ask?

The prostitute didn’t need to answer.  Bob was apparently shaking.

The next minutes were a blur. What does Bob remember? In one word, anxiety. “I think I did what I meant to,” he says, “but I was so nervous. I remember running from the room.”

Another man might have been scarred by that experience.  Not Bob.  “At our next destination,” he says, “I had a little romance with a fräulein.”

“A fräulein?” I reply.  “You were in Germany?”

Bob, I should mention, is Jewish.  Being a Jew in Germany in 1936 was not such a good idea.

“Yes,” he replies, “and swastikas were everywhere.”  But that’s a story for another time.

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Abstinence Spending Up, Health Down in Alabama

The Alabama state motto is "We Dare Maintain Our Rights." Reading this, I thought about the disproportionately high teenage birth rate in Alabama (according to the Alabama Department of Public Health, the teen birth rate is 52.4 per 1,000 teenagers in Alabama, versus 41.1 per 1,000 nationwide), the outrageous number of STD cases in the state (a 2006 CDC report shows that Alabama ranks second, fourth, and fifth in the nation for syphilis, gonorrhea, and Chlamydia, respectively), and also about the rate and demographics of HIV infection (the ADPH reported that African Americans represented 72 percent of new cases of HIV in Alabama, and individuals under the age of 34 represented 43 percent of new HIV/ AIDS cases). Thinking about these staggering numbers, the question naturally arises: exactly which rights are being maintained in Alabama?

One thing is clear: it is certainly not the right to comprehensive, medically accurate sexuality education. In 2007, over $4.75 million in federal dollars for abstinence-only-until-marriage programs flowed into the state through three separate federal funding streams. Since 1998, these programs in Alabama have received more than $33 million. Nationally, Congress has funneled over $1.5 billion to abstinence-only-until-marriage programs since 1996.

With money surging into Alabama to support abstinence-only-until-marriage programs, and health outcomes so negative, something doesn't add up. Taking a cue from the report released by current chairman of the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform Representative Henry Waxman in 2004, SIECUS and AIDS Alabama have completed a report documenting the content of curricula used by federal abstinence-only grantees in Alabama. Many states -- and, particularly, Southern states -- have alarmingly high teen pregnancy, STD, and HIV rates compared to the national average. Focusing on Alabama allowed us to give a clearer picture of which programs are operating in the state and what those programs are teaching (or, more accurately, preaching).

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Daniel Craig's gay Oscar

Daniel Craig would do a gay scene for an Oscar

Daniel Craig would only do a gay scene in the new James Bond movie if he was guaranteed an Oscar, says his 'Layer Cake' co-star.

Tamer Hassan - who appeared alongside Daniel in Matthew Vaughn's 2004 British gangster film - believes Daniel would get frisky with another man in upcoming 007 adventure 'Quantum of Solace' if it fulfilled his Academy Award dream.

He told BANG Showbiz: "That's Daniel dying for an Oscar. Ever since 'Brokeback Mountain' everyone wants to have a gay scene to win an Oscar.

"You couldn't get me doing that though - my son would never forgive me! I've got a 16-year-old son, so can you imagine? He would get ridiculed for it. And he's at a professional soccer club too - can you imagine the dressing room banter?! So, no, they couldn't get me doing that. They can keep the Oscar and I'll keep my virginity!"

Tamer - who can soon be seen in Hammer Films' first movie for 30 years, 'Beyond The Rave' which is to be broadcast on myspace.tv - also said he is keen to play Bond when the producers look beyond Daniel.

The 'Eastern Promises' star, whose parents are of Turkish-Cypriot descent, added: "I would love to be Bond. But I don't think they are ready to put a Turkish man in a 007 suit yet. If they do change their minds I'm sure I will be one of the first ones in the hat."

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Let's Talk About Sex Baby

Arab attitudes to sex are admittedly very strange. On the one hand no one talks about it at all and yet if the population explosion tells us anything then it would seem that everybody is doing it.
A study carried out at Oxford University suggested that 50% of Lebanese women lost their virginity before marriage. In Morocco, surveys have shown the figure to be more than 70%. Yet despite these astonishing figures, our culture still insists on virginity at the time of marriage (for women at least) and no one wants to marry 'spoiled goods'. If this attitude rested on religious views alone then this would be understandable and indeed commendable but what about those who do not practice their faith in any other way and may have already had pre-marital relations themselves? Should they expect their spouse to be lily white?
Ultimately, it is culture that dictates these attitudes and leads to some going as far as paying out for hymen repairs (on the market in the UK for between £1,500 and £2000- quite an investment), despite the fact that gynaecologists quite clearly state the the majority of women do not bleed on their wedding night for a variety of reasons.

Another attitude that needs addressing is the focus on sex as a gratification for the male or as an exclusively procreational activity, a study showed that only 50 percent of men and 38 percent of women found their sex lives satisfying. Is it this that pushes people to seek pleasure outside the boundaries of what is permitted to them by religion or society?

This issue has been largely ignored until recently when Egyptian Heba Kotb burst onto the scene, who grounds a healthy sex life within the teachings of the Qur'an, Sunna and Hadith.
"Many women know nothing about their bodies, not to mention sex, and they were raised to believe sex is for men and a dirty thing, but this is just a cultural attitude and has no roots in Islam".
It seems to me that it is high time that attitudes such as the one espoused by Kotb are circulated in society and the Middle East started to revise its attitude to one of humanity's most basic functions. This does not have to mean encouraging promiscuity and lax morality but rather bringing up the next generation to believe in a healthy and loving physical relationship within marriage. If such an attitude existed then perhaps men and women would not feel compelled to seek satisfaction outside the confines of what is deemed correct.

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Listen up, this is really weird

Liverpool - "Designer" hymens, an ear grafted onto an arm and a tiny jacket composed of skin cells make for some of the strangest contributions to this year's events for the European City of Culture.

The exhibition, mounted by the Foundation for Art and Creative Technology based in this UK city, isn't for the squeamish.

Curator Jens Hauser has brought together 17 artists from Austria, Australia, the US, Poland, France and Germany.

American artist Julia Reodica, a nurse, has produced designer hymens using her own vaginal tissue, which are displayed in jewellery boxes. The idea is to show how different cultures value female virginity.

And a video shows Austria-based artist Stelarc having an operation to have an ear grafted onto his arm. - Sapa-AFP

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Sex in Midieval Times

After the sexual repression encouraged by the church in the early Medieval days, the people must have finally started to rebel as the mid to late Medieval times were rampant with sex, especially in the country where the people were free of the tight laced social rules prevalent in larger cities.  In fact, most boys had lost their virginity by the age of 15 during this time.  The church finally agreed that that sexual repression was harmful to ones person, though their theory was that it offset the bodies humours by an overabundance of the seminal humor, which threw all of the bodies humors out of whack leading the person susceptible to illness and death.  They actually recommended their patrons have sex on a regular basis to release these seminal humors. They also realized that there were many people did not have a spouse with which to copulate, primarily members of the church and so it was recommended that masturbation be enforced.  Interesting how only several centuries before, one who masturbated was burned in the fiery pits of hell and now you were having to masturbate to keep healthy. I’m sure they encountered no complaints about it!  ;)  Additionally, because sex was so very important and was so strongly encouraged, brothels were opened and maintained, often times by the church itself as it was seen as a necessary evil.  Women who plied this trade were often times women who actually worked other trades that either did not support them or required additional support during the slower seasons. Additionally, the women who acted as prostitutes were oftentimes required by law to wear specific colors and attire to avoid confusion and accidental insults.

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'Having sex with lover OK'

Southern actress Khushboo dared to voice her opinion about it and faced wrath within no time. Now, HTTabloid asked the sex goddesses how crucial is virginity for them and whether they feel like a virgin or not? Here, is what the glam gals dared to say...

Julie bombshell Neha Dhupia says, "In my view virginity cannot be the basis for categorising a person as moral or immoral, or so to say, a good or bad being. I feel that it is a subjective issue and depends from person to person. Every woman has a different approach towards virginity and sex. While some attach it with sanctity and there are even girls who care two hoots about losing their chastity."

While Neha believes generalising women would be unfair, hottie Sameera Reddy endorses the 'Just Do it' policy. "If you are in love with someone and if you know his mind as much as you know your own, there is nothing wrong in losing your womanhood or having sex with him. I believe that it is a personal decision if a girl wants to experience sex before marriage. Virginity is an asset but if you want to lose it to someone whom you trust and you think is going to be your life partner then I don't think there is anything wrong in it," states Reddy.

Seductress Kareena Kapoor agrees with Sameera. She says, "I believe that virginity is the most sacred thing for a woman. Even though everyone has his/her own take on it and it varies from person to person. Some choose to remain virgin till marriage while others feel the other way round. But, at the same time I do believe that it is not very important for a woman to remain a virgin anymore."

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French women's sex demands

Women in France are the country's new 'sexual predators', according to a survey of over 12,000 individuals.

With one in five young men manifesting 'no interest in sex', women, on the other hand, are sleeping with twice as many men as they used to and losing their virginity earlier.

'Are women just like men?' asked French Aids research agency Le Nouvel Observateur, which commissioned the 'Study on Sexuality' in France.

Only 42% of women in the country have had only one partner today, in comparison to 68% in 1970, and the average number of partners now stands at just over five. (Men, meanwhile, claim to have slept with an average of 13 women.)

The big surprise, however, wasn't what women want, but what men don't want. According to the research, one in five men aged between 18 and 24 claims to have 'no interest in sex' and abstinence rates for those under 35 are currently twice as high for men as they are for women.

'The good old dichotomy (male predators, females patiently awaiting the warrior's return in front of the cave entrance) is in big trouble,' notes Le Nouvel Observateur.

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