If you’ve been a reader for awhile, then you know that I like a good analogy. I’ve compared Off Broadway to a rowboat, raising money to selling girl scout cookies, new businesses to kids, and I’ve used more baseball terminology than an ESPN announcer.
Because of my fondness (and my use) of both good (and bad) analogies, one of my favorite readers out there thought I’d get a kick out of the following. I certainly did, and I thought you would too. So today, on this Friday when so many folks are cutting out early, I thought we’d take a break from the Broadway talk and have a little fun.
Every year, English teachers from across the USA collect actual analogies and metaphors found in high school
essays. Now, for your amusement, here are some of the best of the worst:
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that
had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and
breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E.
coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like
that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement
like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole
scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair
after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just
like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed
lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.
traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood
with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob
informant, and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like
a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law
Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind
you get from not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical
lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping
on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and
extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers
chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he
thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.